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September 30, 2005

It has been two weeks since Brad passed away and I still think he will return from a business trip. I know it isn’t so but, for now, the reality of these past eleven months is beyond logic.

Last week we had a beautiful celebration of Brad’s life. Brad’s pastor of thirty-one years, Hap Brahams, the man who baptized and married Brad, conducted a service which was to celebrate Brad’s life and not to morn his loss. Hap put Brad’s death into perspective.

“When we look at our earthly life, we presume we will live into our eighties and die in our sleep. We are often impressed by quantity and when placed in the context of a life span, we think that measure makes good sense. But, Brad’s life span fell far short of that mark, and all of a sudden we are forced to rethink what really should be life’s focus. What counts is not quantity of life, but the quality of ones life. The focus is not what you have, but what you do with what you have. And when we look at Brad’s shortened life we discover with real delight that what we are dealing with today is no tragedy. We are not here to dwell on our sorrow, but to celebrate a young man who lived life filled with quality.

To accept the loss of someone like Brad, we must walk the path of faith. Faith that God has prepared a place for Brad and He has come to take Brad home with Him. It is through our faith that we are assured that Brad is Home with God where he is surrounded by those people and things that are important to him. Faith sets us free and enables us to really celebrate Brad’s life, love and legacy.”

During Brad’s Celebration, friends commented on how Brad lived a positive life through his relationships at work, his love for Kirstin and Nathan, and through his music. Brad knew no strangers. He lived each day to the fullest as he knew the importance of embracing every day. Brad’s songs were filled with themes of “friendship”, “learning to love” and “life as a journey”. It was truly a celebration and those that left the sanctuary had a real grasp of Brad’s quality filled life.

During the reception following the service, we were able to meet many of the hundreds of loving people who attended the service. Some had come from as far away as New York, Florida, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, and Washington. There was a slide show with pictures spanning from Brad’s birth to days before his passing. And, we were fortunate to have Brad’s new compilation CD “The Greatest Gift” available for all to share.

On Brad’s great-great grandfather’s tomb is the following inscription: “AND LIFE GOES ON”. So simple a phrase, yet so complex. Because of our faith we know Brad’s life goes on with the Heavenly Father. And for those who remain on earth, life will go on but it will not be the same as if Brad were physically present. One of the profound comments Brad made to me during his journey is that “life requires some adjustments”, and for Brad, it was to deal with his tumor. For us it is to adjust that Brad has been called Home. As I review my updates these past couple of months, the reoccurring themes of courage, unrelenting humor, upbeat spirit, determination, love and internal peace are evident. Our adjustment will be to rely on the wonderful memories we had with Brad.

In making this last posting, I would like to thank the many people who have reached out to Brad, Kirstin, Nathan, and our families. We have seen first hand the love and caring of close friends and strangers alike. What a wonderful tribute to human nature. The personal notes for Nathan’s book are priceless. From the bottom of my heart I say thank you, thank you, thank you, a thousand thank yous! This journey has been difficult but the prayers, words of encouragement, and love have carried us forward.

I would also like to say thank you Brad for the many blessing you have provided us. We have your legacy in Nathan and the poetry of your music. And, we have the wonderful memories of Bradley Clarkson Kirn, a loving husband, father, brother, and wonderful son. We have been blessed by the sharing of your gifts. It is all about quality Brad, and you did it the best! Love ya buddy.

God Bless………

Pops

Just a brief note to report on Brad 09152005

This past week has been especially difficult, and yesterday Kirstin wrote the following words.

“Dear Friends and Family,

It is with mixed emotions that I must share with you that God has called Brad home. Brad was set free this morning at 10:10am surrounded by his family. He was very much at peace and surrounded in love.

He leaves us all with amazing memories and lots of joy!

His memorial service will be held at 3:00pm next Saturday, Sept. 24th at La Jolla Presbyterian Church. Please dress for a celebration of his wonderful life! There will be a reception immediately following the service in the Life Center at the church. Please know we are developing a book of memories for Nathan and you will be given an opportunity on Saturday to write a memory of Brad, a thought, an experience, or any personal note you wish to share. For those of you that are not able to attend, but would like to contribute to the memory book, please feel free to e-mail Brad’s father (aka “Pops”) at pkirn@earthlink.net.

Thank you for all of your thoughtfulness, prayers, and support over the past several months. We are so humbled and appreciative of your love and caring.

In love and friendship,
Kirstin”

The above announcement tells the story of Brad’s passing, and over the past several months I have tried to relate Brad’s journey. But words will never adequately express how Brad handled this very difficult disease. The tumor overtook Brad’s physical capabilities, but it never touched his will to carry on, dampen his spirits, darken his humor, or diminish his love for Kirstin, Nathan, and family. He never thought about Brad, but was concerned for others around him.

A couple of days ago Kistin and I were with Brad trying to figure out why he was a little restless. We thought he was saying “scared”, but as it turned out he was saying “worried”. He was worried about Kirstin and Nathan. He wanted to be assured that they would be alright. Kirstin assured him that she had become strong enough to carry on and he was not to worry about her. We assured him that both Kirstin and Nathan were surrounded by loving families and friends and we would look after their wellbeing. After that assurance, Brad settled down into a peaceful state of rest.

Over the next thirty six hours, Brad became more removed and less responsive to our presence. About 24 hours prior to his death we called his sister Ashley and put the phone to his ear. To our amazement, Brad spoke clearly and distinctly to Ashley. We were witnessing a miracle as he spoke his first complete sentences in months. That was the last clear communication we would hear from Brad. As time progressed he would occasionally raise an eyebrow, but for the most part was deep in a restful place. It was also during these last hours that he reached out to those around him. He wanted to hold their hands as if he knew he was saying good-by. When the time came, Brad went into a coma for a short period, and then quietly slipped from earth to make his heavenly journey home.

We are told that young people like Brad fight this disease harder then old folks like me, but when the end comes, it comes quickly. That was Brad!!! He fought hard and the end did come quickly. He blessed us with his presence for an extra three months. Up until last week he journeyed to Costco, had a beautiful outing with his friends at Qualcomn and, a couple of days ago we went out for breakfast. Though every movement was an effort, this disease was not going to stop him from doing the thinks he liked. He fought this disease valiantly and with dignity just as he lived his life. He never understood the meaning of the word “surrender”.

Brad was such a gift to us. He leaves wonderful memories for us to cherish forever. He blessed us with his music, but most important he leaves us with a shining example of how to live and love life. Brad, may you be dancing with the angels in Heaven buddy. We love you…..and thanks for being you!

There is more to be told of this story, but not today. In a couple of weeks I’ll give another update so let’s just say:

To be continued…..

Pops

Brads Progress as of August 29, 2005

On July 31st the family gathered to celebrate Brad’s thirty-third birthday. It was a great occasion to open cards and letters expressing our deepest love. He looked as though he enjoyed the attention and left with a smile on his face.

There is a certain peace that Brad carries inside. Where he gets the strength I do not know, but he is an inspiration to me. There are no complaints that the tumor makes it more difficult to walk, or that his eyesight is further diminished, or that it is a struggle to get up out of his chair. He is not angry, nor does he complain. He still is more concerned for those people closest to him. We see some frustration when he can’t communicate his thoughts, but even that has its own peaceful resolve. As the tumor progresses, Brad spends more time wanting to rest.

The time has come for Brad to have professional care givers. Dominic’s presence relieves the constant pressure we feel for Brad’s physical care and safety. This allows
Kirstin and our family more relaxed moments to enjoy Brad. We don’t have to constantly be on guard for his well being. With Dominic in tow, we can still go out for breakfast or go to Costco. Each day Brad has short exercise periods and Dominic even got Brad in the pool. Caregivers are a special blessing. Again, this Trust has provided a much needed benefit for which we can only say thank you.

Sometimes I think Brad has been on earth before. He was born with wisdom, understanding and compassion. I know, sounds from a dotting father, but I believe there are people who come into our lives who leave us with a special imprint. I have been truly blessed to have Brad come into my life. Every time I see Brad I try to reinforce what a special affect he has had in my life. Every time I call him the Champ he smiles. I observe what effect he has had on the doctors, the extra efforts given by therapists and caregivers who open their hearts to him. And then there are the hearts of his friends. With that thought in mind, I thought we should develop a forum to express what Brad has meant in our individual lives. If someone out there would like to share their personal thoughts with Brad, please feel free to e-mail me (pkirn@earhlink.net) and I will share those thoughts with him. I will also save them to give to Nathan so he will know, first hand, what others thought of his dad.

We continue to take one day at a time and feel blessed to experience life with Brad.

To be continued….,.

Pops

Brad’s progress as of July 24, 2005

My apologies for the month delay to update Brad’s progress. Sometimes it is difficult to express what is unfolding.

The last time we talked, Brad and Kirstin were trying to concentrate on their “quality of life”. In early June we packed Brad and Kirstin into our motor home and went to Las Vegas where they relaxed at the Bellagio Hotel and saw the Cirque du Soleil show “O”. On June 26th their son Nathan celebrated his first birthday with all the family and friends. July 15th was Brad and Kirstin’s fifth wedding anniversary, celebrated at a local resort and spa. This week they look forward to Brad’s thirty-third birthday on July 31st.

Brad’s weekly activities include at least one outing a day. He has developed a special fondness for Costco Wholesale stores as they have electric carts to scoot around which allows him to express his independence.

The most recent MRI showed that the tumor continues to invade the brain stem. This affects speech, reduces mobility and strength, which requires more frequent naps. He still goes to speech twice a week and we continue to learn new ways to effectively communicate. Brad’s inability to communicate to us is frustrating, but if you can put yourself in Brad’s position, you would understand the enormous frustration he feels. Yet, Brad maintains his sense of humor and is as determined as ever to persevere over this disease.

This coming week Brad looks forward to visiting his friends at Qualcomm and to celebrate with them his coming Birthday. I can not adequately express my appreciation for the quality and type of individuals associated with Qualcomm. They have been like an extended family.

We continue to take one day at a time and feel blessed to experience life with Brad. He is truly a special person and blessed with his devoted wife Kirstin.

To be continued……

Pops

Brad’s progress as of May 31, 2005

In April we talked about Brad and Kirstin taking time away from this cancer stuff to enjoy life. And that they have! Not only did they spend time together at a couple of our local resorts, they went back the following weekend for Kirstin’s birthday and her first Mother’s day. They reported having a great time!

Brad has reduced his number of weekly treatments which allows more time to enjoy his surroundings. He still goes to speech twice a week and we all are learning ways to effectively communicate with one another. Brad understands everything, but the tumor requires continued development of new pathways from the brain to the mouth. You would be amazed to see how determined and dedicated he is in overcoming his setbacks.

Since he is no longer undergoing chemotherapy, Brad’s energy level is stronger. He is more active, but does need afternoon naps to recharge his batteries. He likes to entertain himself with intellectual TV such as Deadwood and watching the home improvement channel. There have been visits to Sea World, movies, kicking tires at car dealers, eating breakfast at Harry’s, and being a regular gad-about town. The other night his sister and I took Brad to dinner where he announced that he wanted to drive his car. So, off we went! Brad last drove in November, so we practiced on a private street then went to downtown La Jolla for ice cream. He did great! To see his joy in being able to drive again was priceless.

Last week Brad had a special experience when visiting his business associates and friends at Qualcomm. I was touched to observe their outpouring of concern, love and caring for Brad. What I observed was far more than a regular business environment. Brad left tired but energized by his friendships.

Who knows what the weeks ahead have in store for us. We take one day at a time and feel blessed to experience life with Brad. Often times I feel Brad is more concerned for the well being of those who walk his journey beside him than he is for himself. That would be typical Brad.

To be continued……

Pops

Brad’s progress as of April 28, 2005

I am late updating Brad’s progress because his medical situation has not been clear. When we last communicated, radiation and Temodar treatments had shrunk the tumor from a lemon to golf ball size. We were looking forward to continued progress, but have run into difficulties.

In March, Brad came down with pneumonia, and then required treatments for blood clots. When he was released from the hospital, he had to retrace some of his OT, PT, and speech achievements. Most of his mobility from the pre-phenomena period has been regained, but his speech recovery is the slowest. His replies to emails are on hold.

The mid-April MRI showed the tumor had grown. The two months of Temodar alone were not effective. Other chemotherapy regiments have now been explored and extensive discussions concerning quality of life are currently being evaluated.

In no way are we thinking doom and gloom! Brad’s fight against this disease is incredible. Though dealt with major set backs, Brad continues to work hard to regain his strength and mobility. His mental fortitude and outlook remains upbeat and positive. I really admire his spirit, perseverance, and peace of mind.

All of us surrounding Kirstin and Brad know we can never adequately give enough deserving praise or overstate our admiration for Kristin’s efforts. She has shouldered major changes and assumed tremendous amounts of responsibilities. More than you or I would want in our entire lifetimes. She remains strong with her unconditional love and constant support for Brad. As a parent I know that together, Kirstin and Brad will seek the best course of action.

The really good news is that Brad and Kirstin have decided to take time off from all this cancer stuff to have some private time – just the two of them. They have chosen to remain in the area, but at an undisclosed location. “Go live life Kirstin and Brad. Enjoy yourselves!!!! “

I thank everyone who reads this update for your continued prayers for Brad and Kirstin. There are thousands of individuals praying for God’s wisdom and care. Also thank you for this fund’s support which has provided opportunities for Brad and Kirstin that would not have otherwise been available. It has been an outreach of love and support for which we feel truly blessed and thankful.

To be continued……

Pops

Since we last conversed Brad has traveled to UCLA, Cedars-Sinai and Duke University to see the best GBM doctors in the country. None of these hospitals are in his insurance plan so the proceeds from this fund allowed him explore alternate resources which would not have otherwise been explored. And, the results were more than we ever could have anticipated.

All the facilities confirmed that Brads tumor is not operable. That’s the bad news. The good news is that the current radiation treatments and two rounds of Temodar have shrunk the tumor from lemon to golf ball size. We are getting results and that is very good!!! Further we now have resources in place should we require alternative treatments.

So, for the next couple of months, Brad will have two more rounds of Temodar and another MRI in late March to determine what to do next. The doctors at Duke also emphasized the importance of living life and not letting this desease consume every thought. Brad and Kirstin plan to do just that.

In the meantime, Brad continues with daily PT, OT, and speech therapies. We are seeing continual improvements in his leg. The right arm has not responded yet, but tomorrow is another day.

Brad has received many e-mails at bkirn@san.rr.com. He has graduated from using a stencil to identify words, to using a keyboard with his left hand. His responses are backlogged, his spell checker over worked, but he enjoys reading your comments and will eventually respond. This form of communication is therapy in itself.

Thank you all for your care and participation. Brad and Kirstin are working on personal replies for all who have contributed to this fund. Look for our next update around the end of March.

Now, all of us need to go out and live life. Do those things that come from your heart, not from the head. Until late March, God bless you all…..

Pops

Our New Year started off with great news. Brad’s year end MRI showed that the tumor had not grown any larger, and that its contrast, or density, was not as bright as in the initial MRI. As you may know, GBM is a very fast growing tumor, so the fact that the MRI shows no new growth leads us to conclude that the tumor is responding to the radiation and chemotherapy treatments. Brad will complete his radiation treatments on Jan 14th and will have completed his second round of chemotherapy. During the last week of January, Brad will have another MRI to further evaluate his progress. We plan to keep our long term options open and are scheduling trips in early February to noted brain tumor centers for further evaluation. As these plans progress we will keep you up to date.

Brad continues to impress me with his improved physical capabilities. His right leg is stronger, but not all the muscles have responded. He can raise his knee about eight inches which allows him to walk even without ankle flexion. This week he learned to walk up and down stairs and spent the whole day without the use of his walker. This is a huge improvement from our last update. His right arm is getting stronger but not enough to support itself as of this writing. He daily works on his physical and commutation exercises much like a devoted athlete with his daily workouts. Go Brad Go!!!!

Brad’s humor, determination and courage remain unwavering. I asked him how he can remain so calm and upbeat when such a major event has taken place. He said, “Dad, life requires adjustments, and this is my adjustment.”

Brad can use his computer and is ready to receive emails at bkirn@san.rr.com. He uses a stencil to identify letters to develop words and his spell checker is over worked, but he looks forward to hearing from you.

Finally, our family is no longer in crisis management. We have a great team of doctors, treatments are on schedule, we have researched our “enemy” and are in a position to make reasonably informed decisions as we develop future medical options, when and if the need arises.

To be continued in early February 2005……

Pops

Brad’s progress as of December 24, 2004

Considering the circumstances, Brad’s condition is looking better.

The growing tumor established road blocks for the normal channels of communication between the “thought” process and the “action” to be taken. You and I can think a thought, open our mouths and to speak what we are thinking. Brad thinks the thought, but the tumor has blocked its normal channel. His thoughts need to find new paths around the tumor to become action. Frequently, his thought will reach a dead end, requiring him to try another approach. These past couple of weeks has shown encouraging progress in Brad’s ability to communicate complete thoughts on the first attempt. His goal is to have a conversation with his five month son Nathan. As of this moment, Nathan needs a little more training.

Improved physical capabilities are another bright spot. His right leg, which had little feeling, is responding. Through muscle memory training, he can lift his right knee up and can move the foot forward a little. This is big progress as each repetition refreshes the memory and stimulates the muscles. This week, for the first time, he was able to straighten his right arm. Four days ago the arm moved forward only two inches. This is a big accomplishment!

The radiation program has reached mid point. His last treatment will be January 14, 2005. His chemo regiment is 5 days “on”, 23 days “off”. He tolerated the first five days very well and is now in the “off” cycle. We will take scans towards the end of January to evaluate the effectiveness of his treatments.

These treatments create fatigue but have not dampened his spirit or determination. Every morning he gets himself up to shower, shave and be ready for the daily treatments and physical challenges. As a father, I must brag about what a great job he is doing to meet these new challenges.

As Christmas approaches, we have many blessings to be thankful for. Sometimes blessings are harder to find than other times, but this Christmas we are thankful we can gather as a family and enjoy the love and caring we feel for one another. We hope your Christmas and New Years will be filled with joy and wonderful memories.

Thank you all and God bless.

To be continued next year……

Pops

Brad’s progress as of December 10, 2004
As a brief review, on November 24th, Brad was rushed to the hospital when his right side refused to cooperate. He lost use of his right arm and has very limited use of his right leg. He went home on December 3rd having learned to use a walker for his “new wheels”. Everyday he becomes more capable of adapting to his new challenge.

Brad has completed the second week of a six week radiation plan. While in the hospital a combination of medicines dropped his blood platelet count to below a level where it became unsafe to administer chemotherapy. The medicines have been altered, his blood platelets have returned to normal, and today started chemotherapy in conjunction with radiation. In early January we will have some more scans to check his progress. I am in awe of his great spirit, sustained sense of humor and determination.

His wife Kirstin amazes me. As her life has been dramatically changed, she has risen to the challenge of nurturing Brad, organizing the many appointments and making all the necessary arrangements for him to receive the very best care possible. No easy task with five month old Nathan. Brad has rightly placed complete faith in her judgments. They were a strong couple before this diagnosis and have become even stronger under these adverse conditions.

Another great story is observing their friends, coworkers and strangers. So many people have reached out to offer assistance. The support from the family, friends, friends of friends and the community has been tremendous. Thank you all for your concern, participation, and prayers.

To be continued………..Pops

“We thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all of your love, support, positive thoughts and prayers you are sending our way. We know this will make a difference as we journey down this very challenging road. We know that what we are going through is all part of God’s plan and we are leaving it in His able hands. We are praying for a miracle and all of your support, guidance and inspiration touch our hearts, lift our spirits and make all the differences in helping us cope with this time in our lives.”

- Brad, Kirstin, baby Nathan and their Families